I have a few matters to address.

Rather to rant as usual.


Sometimes you think you know someone fairly well, but when you realise not all is as it is you'll get that clammy sensation. Like being cheated or somewhat there. I feel like, man, is there really so much that I do not know? That I don't WISH to know?
Ignorance is bliss is rather apt.

And the other is that I'm not used to be treated like this. What the fuck, maybe my temper is very short that i blew my top at you the other time (ok, blew my top irrationally at you) but hey Hari Raya means to forgive and forget and here you are trying to bring all that mumbo jumbo attitude that I seriously seriously, don't need. What a shame we used to be so close and it all ends up in pieces.
SIGH to that.


Ok interesting things yesterday and today. Went bowling yesterday in baju kurung and heels, beat that. Lucky it's the 6 of us so it wasn't so bad. At 11 pm at Safra we're bowling our hearts out in baju kurung. How ridiculous. And only reached home at 12 plus plus? With today's open houses and tuitions alternately fairly tiring but fair share of fun. Playing monopoly with the most appalling cheat is quite funny, whilst trying to help Hazeeq in Math. Gosh parents have the tendency to (bluntly) asked me to help their son along as it is their Math paper tomorrow. I think last minute work is full of bull, but oh well.


And I sort of just stepped into home, still not changed yet. I like to get things out while they're still fresh in the mind.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok that was yesterday. Typical computer shutting down on me that way and I'm ever grateful that blogger saved my posts before it shut down.

Now, at 2249 hours on a Monday 29th October, I've just reached home from tuition and dinner. Students who are freaking out aren't exactly doing favours for me, simply because I'm getting freaked out (for entirely no reasons whatsoever). And I'm more freaked out right now because mock-exams are in a month's time and I don't look like model student of the year do I?

Woe is me, all weird graphs pop up during tutorial just now goes to show how much I know my work, which isn't much after all.
Must catch up after all the tuitions. Just three more days till the end.


Going to have a nice cold shower before I hit some books. Sigh. Life's kind of busy which is quite good because it kept me away from thinking of shit that I never fail to get into. But that always haunts me before I sleep, no?

I really want to get second uppers for my subjects please, and I suppose things never happen without effort. Sigh.


Is it time to make a change,
Are we closer than before,
Can we help them break away,
are we profiting from war?

It's time to make a change.

ofblack&white
11:13 PM

God she makes me look so un-me please.


Forgetfulness prevailed as usual. I left my iPod over at Vincent's. Sheesh.

Talking about music and such, someone PLEASE cure my brother's taste in music. Techno. HELP TECHNO WTF.


-----------------------------------------

Ok my com decidedly shut down two days ago on me and the laziness prevents me from opening it.

So yesterday was also a many-tuition day. Adela fed me THREE Krispy Kremes and it was ohmygod fantastic. Seriously out-of-the-world donuts (and I don't even like them, see, Krispies are good). The perks of being a tutor you know, having kids to make you paper planes out of a Honey-star box, getting tea and murukus, good lunches and all sorts of tidbits (some even fed me Godiva chocolates please) maybe it's a ploy amongst them to get me fat.
I am already fat, but don't stop the food flow man! ((:


Nothing new each day, just that, probably my patience is running thin with all the stupid stupid careless mistakes people are doing and ITS LESS THAN A WEEK FROM EXAMS seriously I need not get bothered by it but well I just do.


My Birks are arriving anytime next week (I am so excited!). And 2A06 (well most of us) are meeting at Ms Huda's house today that's also something great to look for, plus out with friends after that.

Sometimes there are things that is worth to pursue and things not worth it. And often we mistook what is important and what is not.
See, you only want what you can't have. Even my dreams say so. -.-

ofblack&white
10:07 PM

Just a short post. First time I had five tuition slots in a day and boy am I fucking bushed.


Careless careless, I hate it when they get careless, when I get careless.

A very long day I must say, falling quite sick, having noisy HIHS kids screaming like mad men at Macs isn't what I call a great start of the day. Minahs who were actually studying at the next table asking me questions. Wow. Super stressed out with their examinations (hey it's my reputation at stake here!). Today's the end of A Math papers thank GOD one less subject to be worried about.


So I was having dinner at Banquet and Mun went "oooh looky there" and when I turned of all people in the world iCandi was there. WTFOMGI%(*J^% I was positively speechless and fish soup noodle suddenly don't look as appetising anymore. Haha!
So tell me how am I suppose to not stray when these things happen.


Ok the cheerfulness in the blog is so plastic it's more plastic than Pamela Anderson and Mariah Carey put together.

I am really tired but guess what, of all days, I cannot sleep today.
GAH.

ofblack&white
11:17 PM

Two posts in a day wow.


I don't know what's with the male breed and jealousy I know he is that because he said he is feeling down and wants an early night saying not in the best of moods and of course i had to ask why thinking it's because he failed FTT and such but no it wasn't that and if it wasn't that what more could he be annoyed about but me out with friends the whole day and not with him seriously relationships isn't about seeing each other every damn day or talking on the phone everyday (unlike some dickhead who thought relationships are built that way, maybe you should screw yourself and break up) relationships is all about understanding each other, giving way to personal spaces missing each other yes but knowing that absence makes the heart grow fonder and trusting each other enough to not suspect and be all stupidly jealous. I don't believe in all that superficial oh-I-talk-to-that-boy-everyday-I-think-we-have-something-special-going-on bull if you think talking to one another everyday makes you have a 'relationship' with a boy then I suggest, once again, you should screw yourself over. It's all about connections and feeling, knowing that even if you don't communicate everyday you know deep inside that love grows and goes on.
Apparently the male breed had to be immature.


But moving on. I'm not pissed, don't get me wrong with that para above, I'm just bewildered with how people think. I perceive them as shallow, plastic to be more apt. Physical showcase isn't really my thing (unless you're flashing bling-blings, that's a different story). Really, if all men were to think of physical here and there go get prostitutes, they're better at that.


So ANYWAY, I think these days I get rather subdued, a quieter me talk less listen more or simply talk less listen to nothing and just being blank and empty as a canvas. Whatever. Haha in the end only Pei En and I ate dinner and it's quite fun teasing her with a rather cute waiter lol.

A Math Paper 1 is over today. Tomorrow gone is paper 2.


I had something that made me happy today. When she text me about passing and being able to promote, and actually apologising for screwing up the promotional papers, and wanting to see me as soon as PW is over, being over the moon understates how I feel. And no, to the certain individual who said I am masochistic (totally doesn't apply thank you), and no, to another individual that said I am wrong and shouldn't be doing this.
Seriously, can it be help?
(and there I was saying relationships are built on trust)
I behave, just not mentally, ok?

ofblack&white
11:19 PM

Yeaa finally found out the title of that awesome Indonesian song!


Anyway I had a nice yet busy last week. Overnights at grandma's with rowdy noisy cousins which spells out LOVE. Hair cut and a very very good-looking Chinese did my hair and he's cuteness is beyond anything else. Haha! A lot of tuitions, getting-caught-in-the-rain situations, murukus, Negro bus incident, a very depressed student (which is really scary by the way), Saturday out visiting with paternal family (the works) my relative have a cute little cockatoo is SO cute and she bought it for 150$ and it perched on her shoulder and walks around (can't fly lol), night craziness at Nur's ((:, Sunday slack and meet up with friends over at Abang Idrus' till late.



Tonight really looking foreward to tonight's dinner with Adik and Pei En ((:
We am pwning Hyatt. FTW!

ofblack&white
10:10 AM

WHAT is the use of having a FRIEND like Abdul Matin Rashid if ALL he is good at is to piss you off GOD HE IS SUCH A PRINCESS AND A WHINY SPOILT BRAT no wonder there are lesbians romping around the world it's because THEY MET ANNOYING MALES LIKE HIM. Now I understand what Qis goes through.



Today I succumb to cravings and desires; going wake (and bruises all around) eating my favourite fish soup noodle with milk, eating ice-cream with oreo toppings having BK Fish (I sound like a pig). The only hiccup of the day? I spent most of it with Mun D: Hahahaha.


I'm thinking of trying something new, a new sport. And boy it is quite costly. And this rate I'll probably be starving my way through but I don't know if I should.

Ok people seriously how does fencing and me sound together? Wrong? Sigh.


And there's so many things out there I want to try out, so many interesting things but capital seems to be lacking BIG time.


I need to sleep for a painfully long day tomorrow.

ofblack&white
9:22 PM

Hari Raya was good, a lot of relatives apparently had bonuses so having someone giving me a packet filled with two dollars is countable with a hand, seriously. Showering me with tens and twenties and even fifties had indeed lighten up my mood but still there's only so much money can do no?


Helping Hazel out with poems for her illustrations on project, drilling people with Math, schooling and all that Raya business have a profound effect on an individual, the usual laments of "so fucking tired" goes on and on.


Being in the slight mood for Raya and the nonsense I decided to go school and tuitions in heels and baju kurong and Adela went OMG YOU LOOK SO GIRL. Speaking of Adela she got herself (rather Martin got her) an iPod Touch which is by the way beyond cool. A touchscreen iPod (reminiscent of the iPhone, only without the calling function) with Wifi (means you can go surfing the internet at places like Starbucks and such which provides free internet) 3.2 inch screen and it's 8 mm thin. Like fucking cool at that moment I wished a knife was in my hands so I could stab Adel and steal the iTouch.

Of course I want it, what a silly question only an irrational consumer would not want to have something more but being logical it is out of my reach beyond my means and therefore my pretty pink iPod mini shall still be my companion.


You know getting irritable makes me feel so old and wrinkly but that's just me lack of sleep and rest gets me cranky and snappy. There are certain people whom you are irritated with, either by their actions or words or manner. The worse is when someone irritate you just by being there.


If Life's laid out on a blackboard written in chalk I would have erased you.

ofblack&white
11:28 PM

HELLO I finally cleaned the room and it looks quite bare now, save for the mountain of bags that couldn't be stored anywhere else. Really, the only logical reason is to throw away some to make space but can you see me throwing bags away? NEVER.


Tomorrow is Raya and I don't know if I'm looking forward to it, every year the interest drops down a notch but hey you can't blame me Raya falls on the busiest/hectic weeks for me hence the lack of interest.


I forgot the reason to blog but oh well.


SALAM LEBARAN ((:

ofblack&white
4:20 PM

Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth - more than ruin - more even than death... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man.

ofblack&white
7:19 PM

Tuesday came and go, and Wednesday came and go too and here is Thursday.


Of mistakes. I have done countless mistakes, big and small, in the past and like any sane person I'd very much like to rewind time and undo them.


Big mistake number 4: What ifs (in the academic sense). Of course I am certain, as anyone else, IF I had studied harder and paid more attention and simply do tutorials I wouldn't be taking a private degree, though not that I mind. It's just that lingering thought of what ifs that plagued every single breathing human, and what makes everyone different is how they react to these what ifs.
That's another story of it's own.
Anyway what ifs are simply feelings of regret and regretting whatever is done, albeit the saying 'crying over spilled milk', is useless.


Big mistake number 3: Procrastination as my sidekick. WHICH OF COURSE DOESN'T BENEFIT ANYONE except yourself, only for a few hours before the guilt kicks in. Everyone has procrastinated, I mean even the Pope would have.
It's just how you 'nurture', I should say, this feeling of procrastinating. I have always put it at my side holding hands as if we're best friends. And now this bad habit have sunk deep in and to not procrastinate is not me at all.


Big mistake number 2: Influence. Since I was young I am very easily-influenced, opinions that was supposed to be my own were borrowed from others. Influence isn't all bad, there are good ones but somehow during this course of journey called Life influences aren't good at all. The act of doing things so as to fit in isn't alien to me, not in the least. Luckily now I could stand on my own two little size 7 feet, but the influence that had been rubbed in, especially during those wild secondary school days, still have an effect on me.
Especially that vulgarity part, which I am trying very hard to eradicate.


Big mistake number 1: Entertaining feelings of swinging both sides.
Muddling me inside out are just a drop in the sea, not forgetting those guilt swings heartaches and every multitude of stupidity this brought about.
I don't know if I should trouble myself typing about this.
But anyway, everything gets me distracted, from a slender looking female to the hunky male in Aviators.

Whatever.



Ok done with that, I don't know if it's coherent (I doubt it is) but whatever.

I don't know if I really fancy her or it's just wild imagination but I hope it's wild imagination. Though everytime she calls my heart goes into a canter (canter?? Probably galloping away). Ahhh.
And to top it off he is there just for a game. I don't know of real feelings but it felt like a game.
That needs to be over soon. Sheesh little trivial matters get me fed up when they shouldn't. Sounds so stupid.

But then again matter of the heart make every stupid thing sound intelligent and vice versa.



Sigh. Anyway to brighten things up went to SR yesterday, sat with the trio and Zhong popped up like a zit and it was quite nice talking to her. Plus made a new friend Bala (or whatever his name is) pretty Indian boy with long lashes HAHA. And little scare about my missing wallet that contained my salary.
And finally the long-craved fish soup noodle with Mima and sat about till ten going through Econs Case Study (which, I may add, a pain in the arse). Today is all about the wind, the heat, Kovan Macs, Math, Fifa, and of course, damsel.

ofblack&white
12:02 AM

Lines, they always cross my lines. People who think I'm fine with sharp jibes and endless insults keep on and on about it that what I really want was to punch their face in. Really, if not for the fact that some are so-called friends, they'll probably be lying six feet deep.


And taken for granted seem to be the word for the day. Endless do-this-for-me-do-that I kinda had had enough. Just because I seem okay with it doesn't mean I am.


And we haven't met for all of two weeks just fifteen minutes last night doesn't seem enough, doesn't seem to make my spoil spoil days. What with people messaging me vulgarities in the morning talking about how fucking annoying to have to retake papers don't they know how annoying it is to be woken with that kind of message?


So crap sushi tonight better make my day or I'll bite the heads off anyone.

So fucking annoying.

ofblack&white
8:37 AM

People get caught up with new inventions (aka facebook) and go gaga over it.


BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T ALLOW MUN/ADELA TO SIT ME DOWN AND GET ME TO SIGN UP.


Haha the wonders of peer pressure. Today is the end of the year one promotional and I heave a sigh of relief before I go helter skelter busy with the A's and O's.



Oh 'twas a blistery day I feel like dying in this heat felt very Sahara all of the sudden and it's all due to global warming. People switch on their air conditioners in hopes of cooling themselves but hey don't CFC - given out by these supposed helpers - cause global warming too? Funny how we go in circles to solve a problem yet we aggravate it.


Haha I'm feeling green and eco-friendly all of a sudden.
Anyway Syahril does a house-call on me at 8 freaking am and all we did was transfer files to the computer and sat for Scrabble.
Talk about weird.


Prince Of Persia: Rival Swords is a fantastic PSP game GO AND GET IT NOW.


Sigh and I lost my one and only existing earring so there goes earrings for a lifetime.

Tired, haha with all the heat that sapped out my energy...

ofblack&white
8:32 PM

Yesterday I thought I'll be having a nice time at home, munching on chocolate chip and pecan cookies, watching silly youtube videos, listening to radio and oooh watching the tube (I do watch it occasionally) when my manic-sounding Nur called and wailing "KAKKK ILLIIII CAN SLEEP OVER NENEK HOUSE TODAY PLEEAASSSEEE TOMORROW MY MATH PAPER AND I NEED HEELLLP" so of course being a nice older cousin I complied and ended up not bringing my perfume, spectacles, contacts solutions and few necessities I need not type here. And hence having to buy solutions at some optic shop. To think I could remember PSP and charger but not the others. Sigh.

Sometimes I found myself wishing for a younger sibling I could pamper and nag and take care of but I realised Nur and Tisya fit the bill. How I LOVE them so.



Let's talk about today. Out of house by 0930hours and back home at 1915hours quite tiring but not as tiring as it could possibly be so I am thankful. I was so sleepy halfway the pen nearly droop down when I'm writing Lynn's notes.


Baoling, I can't seem to get someone out of my head. Especially when you tell me about Ray...
It's sucky to have someone haunting you when you're trying to run away from them.
Can't seem to get you out of my head...

ofblack&white
8:07 PM

In the midst of everything I wondered,
what am I?

What purpose am I to others, what thoughts do I ignite in their minds,
what am I really to whoever whatever anybody?


Hmm anyway days have been kind of hectic, with school and all the kids' upcoming exams need a day to breathe.


And just last week Yana asked me, "are you still swinging both sides?"


Yes baby definitely swinging both sides that I don't know what to do.

ofblack&white
9:56 AM